how to: make cop going away at parties

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: It's a symptom of war, rough sex, and college. I can't attest to the first one, but....well nor the second one, but I can surely speak on the third: the collegiate institutions of America! Studying and taking tests by themselves are enough to put some kids over the edge of the proverbial cliff, but the whole experience can be a coagulative clusterfuck of holy shit. Sometimes, even throwing on the toga for a college party can be a daunting undertaking. The parties are a great way to unwind, however, and take an academic load off of your academic ass de lá academia. Enter: cops. These brave men and women lose their collective college cool when they hear that some dastardly young students are spending the night drinking alcohol instead of doing police-sanctioned, law-abiding fun, like driving the speed limit or shooting unarmed black teenagers in Missouri. Sometimes, these party-pooping officers of the law choose to snoop around the back side of the premises and scatter the rapscallions like a shark scatters shrimp or how my presence tends to scatter most females within a 3 mile radius. Make sure you're prepared for this situation! Remember, you got a B+ on that psychology exam so you've earned your $5 cup of PJ and slim chance of a consensual sexual encounter tonight -- Don't let The Man mess up your fun! Just follow these tips to keep yourself safe if the cops come lurking.

• Always shake the officer's hand and offer him some PJ.
• You've already had a bit to drink and you're feeling nice and they might want to talk to you, so remember this mantra: If the cops get frisky, pass the whiskey! Let them join in on your reindeer games and they'll be sure to let things slide!
• Invite the officers to your prayer group.
• The only thing that cops love more than justice is Jesus, and if you want to be off the hook, you better crack open The Book. Mention that the guy whose house you're trashing is a member of the local chapel and that he led a prayer circle (AKA the Catholic Circle Jerk) with the party attendees before they all got bombed. Be sure to point out that the cups on the beer pong table clearly resemble an accurate depiction of the crucifixion.
• Offer to wipe the throw up off the officers' shoes.
• Men and women of the law hold high standards for their appearance and can't do their job with tarnished garments. Walking through the backyard of a college party can be a cake walk -- if the cake is alcohol and is thrown up in patterns resembling North Carolina's gerrymandering. So, make sure you drop to your knees and use the Febreze to ensure that their stompers are thoroughly clean. I suggest opting for a post-wiping spit shine to give the officer a suave sparkle that will surely complement his tazer. A bit of warning here, though: When you are done tending to the officer's nethers, make sure you stand up with your hands by your sides and in your pockets; some cops think that if your hands are above your head, that's a signal for "Please shoot me! :)"
• Mention to the officers that you have guns on the premises.
• One of the most well-known facts in the history of crime-fighting: cops love guns! The only thing they like more than giving their guns creepy names is sharing a beer with others who love guns (Note: white people only). So, when you hear the cops knock, whip out your glock! Seeing another fellow gun owner will put them in a good, Anti-Obama mood and they'll probably go buy you more beer for the party!

Just follow these couple of simple tips and your party will more fun that a barrel full of strippers! Happy colleging!