Gay marriage -gross!

Time for me to review a very important topic in our country today....gay marriage! Or should I say weinie-touching Jesus death? The fact of the matter is that gayosexuals are the bane of our nation. Why? Because it says so in a book written in a time before toilet paper (You'd wipe with the nearest accessible object at that particular cave where you were shitting.) Here's a noun for you: the Bible! What a glorious piece of literature....so glorious in its message of love, faith, and sacrificing your firstborn child <3. It's enough to make me want to shank the nearest sinner and condemn him to hell or wherever is most inconvenient for him or her to be at the moment!

We have to consider a few things here. First off, marriage. Just typing it gets me all hot and heavy for the Holy Spirit! It's a sacred bond between a man and a woman that has been a critical component of the church for centuries. In fact, we Americans love marriage so much, half of us like to leave our first partner and marry someone else! The old saying holds true: two marriages are better than one. Another saying also holds true, however: "Gays can't hit the marriage bong because the bible says it's wrong!™" (Also, don't ever hit a bong -- it'll make you gay!) Why can't libtards just understand that marriage is a Christian thing so it has to abide by Christian values unless those values are an inconvenience to us?! Duh! Go read the bible you #noobs!

Another issue at hand here is how Jesus addresses gay marriage -- he doesn't! Therefore ergo ad propter hoc, you can't talk about it. See? The bible is easy if you just make shit up to suit your current prejudices! (Didn't Casey Anthony do something like that? Oh, wait, that wasn't prejudice, that was murder. Get's confusing sometimes.) If the gay community would just stop hurting Jesus' feelings, they'd understand, too.

I think gays are just a bit confused about themselves and their sexuality. A fine, good old fashioned solution to this little quandary is really quite obvious -- sexuality reform! The current method used is to repeat bible verses, pray, and suppress any and all urges to explore and embrace one's natural sexual orientation. It works, too! A clever slogan to live by for those in this sticky situation: "If you ignore and suppress, God takes care of the rest!™"

While I admire the current method of degayification, my suggested approach would be to beat the afflicted homo with a copy of Bill O'Reilly's Killing Jesus until that boy is straighter than a pew in a church! It's the least we could do to please Jesus, who foretold, "When the prophet Bill O'Reilly comes unto this Earth, throw away any modicum of logic that you once had and treat his every word as the truth until you become so in love with America that you petition your nursing home for extra applesauce on Labor Day."

Amen.