Gay marriage -gross!

Time for me to review a very important topic in our country today....gay marriage! Or should I say weinie-touching Jesus death? The fact of the matter is that gayosexuals are the bane of our nation. Why? Because it says so in a book written in a time before toilet paper (You'd wipe with the nearest accessible object at that particular cave where you were shitting.) Here's a noun for you: the Bible! What a glorious piece of literature....so glorious in its message of love, faith, and sacrificing your firstborn child <3. It's enough to make me want to shank the nearest sinner and condemn him to hell or wherever is most inconvenient for him or her to be at the moment!

We have to consider a few things here. First off, marriage. Just typing it gets me all hot and heavy for the Holy Spirit! It's a sacred bond between a man and a woman that has been a critical component of the church for centuries. In fact, we Americans love marriage so much, half of us like to leave our first partner and marry someone else! The old saying holds true: two marriages are better than one. Another saying also holds true, however: "Gays can't hit the marriage bong because the bible says it's wrong!™" (Also, don't ever hit a bong -- it'll make you gay!) Why can't libtards just understand that marriage is a Christian thing so it has to abide by Christian values unless those values are an inconvenience to us?! Duh! Go read the bible you #noobs!

Another issue at hand here is how Jesus addresses gay marriage -- he doesn't! Therefore ergo ad propter hoc, you can't talk about it. See? The bible is easy if you just make shit up to suit your current prejudices! (Didn't Casey Anthony do something like that? Oh, wait, that wasn't prejudice, that was murder. Get's confusing sometimes.) If the gay community would just stop hurting Jesus' feelings, they'd understand, too.

I think gays are just a bit confused about themselves and their sexuality. A fine, good old fashioned solution to this little quandary is really quite obvious -- sexuality reform! The current method used is to repeat bible verses, pray, and suppress any and all urges to explore and embrace one's natural sexual orientation. It works, too! A clever slogan to live by for those in this sticky situation: "If you ignore and suppress, God takes care of the rest!™"

While I admire the current method of degayification, my suggested approach would be to beat the afflicted homo with a copy of Bill O'Reilly's Killing Jesus until that boy is straighter than a pew in a church! It's the least we could do to please Jesus, who foretold, "When the prophet Bill O'Reilly comes unto this Earth, throw away any modicum of logic that you once had and treat his every word as the truth until you become so in love with America that you petition your nursing home for extra applesauce on Labor Day."

Amen.

Ebola! (Eb-ama??)

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how to: make cop going away at parties

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: It's a symptom of war, rough sex, and college. I can't attest to the first one, but....well nor the second one, but I can surely speak on the third: the collegiate institutions of America! Studying and taking tests by themselves are enough to put some kids over the edge of the proverbial cliff, but the whole experience can be a coagulative clusterfuck of holy shit. Sometimes, even throwing on the toga for a college party can be a daunting undertaking. The parties are a great way to unwind, however, and take an academic load off of your academic ass de lá academia. Enter: cops. These brave men and women lose their collective college cool when they hear that some dastardly young students are spending the night drinking alcohol instead of doing police-sanctioned, law-abiding fun, like driving the speed limit or shooting unarmed black teenagers in Missouri. Sometimes, these party-pooping officers of the law choose to snoop around the back side of the premises and scatter the rapscallions like a shark scatters shrimp or how my presence tends to scatter most females within a 3 mile radius. Make sure you're prepared for this situation! Remember, you got a B+ on that psychology exam so you've earned your $5 cup of PJ and slim chance of a consensual sexual encounter tonight -- Don't let The Man mess up your fun! Just follow these tips to keep yourself safe if the cops come lurking.

• Always shake the officer's hand and offer him some PJ.
• You've already had a bit to drink and you're feeling nice and they might want to talk to you, so remember this mantra: If the cops get frisky, pass the whiskey! Let them join in on your reindeer games and they'll be sure to let things slide!
• Invite the officers to your prayer group.
• The only thing that cops love more than justice is Jesus, and if you want to be off the hook, you better crack open The Book. Mention that the guy whose house you're trashing is a member of the local chapel and that he led a prayer circle (AKA the Catholic Circle Jerk) with the party attendees before they all got bombed. Be sure to point out that the cups on the beer pong table clearly resemble an accurate depiction of the crucifixion.
• Offer to wipe the throw up off the officers' shoes.
• Men and women of the law hold high standards for their appearance and can't do their job with tarnished garments. Walking through the backyard of a college party can be a cake walk -- if the cake is alcohol and is thrown up in patterns resembling North Carolina's gerrymandering. So, make sure you drop to your knees and use the Febreze to ensure that their stompers are thoroughly clean. I suggest opting for a post-wiping spit shine to give the officer a suave sparkle that will surely complement his tazer. A bit of warning here, though: When you are done tending to the officer's nethers, make sure you stand up with your hands by your sides and in your pockets; some cops think that if your hands are above your head, that's a signal for "Please shoot me! :)"
• Mention to the officers that you have guns on the premises.
• One of the most well-known facts in the history of crime-fighting: cops love guns! The only thing they like more than giving their guns creepy names is sharing a beer with others who love guns (Note: white people only). So, when you hear the cops knock, whip out your glock! Seeing another fellow gun owner will put them in a good, Anti-Obama mood and they'll probably go buy you more beer for the party!

Just follow these couple of simple tips and your party will more fun that a barrel full of strippers! Happy colleging!